Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 2/7/2012
Bitterness. One word that utterly destroy's...one word that kills. That is...if you let it.
How did I learn this lesson?
From too many times experiencing it and allowing it to kill.
Several friends of mine were in ministry setting. We were there to minister to a team of people who did crisis phone lines. My spiritual father was preaching and at the end he released us to pray over these people...to literally break the chains off their lives. I was ministering to a lady and then she went down. My spiritual father had been standing behind me and leans in to tell me, "follow her down." I did exactly that...I followed her down, prayed and watched as God loosed her of the bondages that held her.
Another time, a friend of mine as well as myself get called in to the office. Deliverance is happening and we've been called in to "assist and pray." My spiritual father sits at his desk and "monitors." Again, one more completely set free by the power of the blood.
These things I watched almost daily....minimally weekly or bi-weekly. I was moving forward in my calling. I was serving where God had me and couldn't have been more excited, or more at peace, or more content. I was walking in my freedom through the blood and Word of Jesus Christ and leading people in to it daily.
And then...
I let bitterness settle...and things went downhill.
See, there were several things that took place that year. The death of a 22 month old child that I loved dearly... I watched the family struggle...this family that I considered myself a part of in a weird way. It was all downhill (by my choice) from there. Relapse...hatred...tears...pain...and bitterness.
After that accident, I never really did deal with everything that had taken place in my heart. I tried but something deeper held me in bondage. This week, I discovered it. My stubborness and free-will. As a result to this bitterness and hatred settling within, I ran from the very thing God was calling me to do. I ran from the very vision that burned deep within my being. And by now, you are probably asking why I'm sharing all this information. Well, as a result of all that, I ended up deciding to go on this race...decided to go away from it all to serve Jesus...in a different place then where He wanted me.
I am now living at home with my parents and have recently withdrawn from this race. I will be spending this time here, saving money and getting myself financially and most importantly spiritually and emotionally ready (as ready as one can be) to move back to Minnesota. Relenquishing my spot for the race was difficult but I know where I belong and I know by running, that I am not going to be able to serve to the max. My heart needs to be right before I can truly shine the light of Jesus through the nations.
So, with all that said, I will be blogging on my new blog site. If you still desire to follow me and keep in touch with what the Lord is doing and speaking to my heart, feel free. If not, I thank you all for taking the time to hear what our amazing Lord and Savior has done in my life through this process.
Here it is: setmeablaze.wordpress.com
God bless! :)
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Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 2/3/2012
The past several days, I have felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. I've been having a very difficult time coming before the throne. I've had a difficult time returning to my daily worship and prayer times. At first, I was puzzled...not sure what to think or feel, but now I understand. See, for a moment there I was running. I wanted again to do God's will with no intimacy with God Himself. One must ask themselves why they get this way especially if that person sees a pattern. I've done it time and time again. I will be good for awhile...seeking His face regularly, spending time in His presence and seeking to do all He has called me to do. Then I get this thing where I want to do His will but I lose all desire for intimacy which then leads to a lack of clarity. I begin to spin in all different directions and at the core of it all, I, in a way, begin to run from God.
So...the other day when I began thinking about all of this and how my vision aligned with this vision up north and how I was stuck here and yada yada yada. I couldn't help but realize how much I miss 1) My Fathers heartbeat and 2) Being in the place where He has called me to be. Sounds funny in a sense, because I had actually decieved myself in to thinking that I was in the center of His will...in the midst of His presence...yet...no peace...
I am grateful for His love and mercy. I'm grateful that despite all this, all He wants is for me to return to His face. He wants me to seek Him not run from Him. I know He uses all things for His glory and this will be one of them. I know that while I am in this season, He is preparing me...healing me...and really...humbling me. I know that this is a season of restoration. There are many things He is going to restore in and through it all and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also amazed at how He has been faithful to speak during this time and grateful that I can still hear Him.
My vision is being restored...slowly but surely, things are going to come together. I will face forward and march on. I will not shrink in the midst of adversity. I'm going to allow God to show me the reasons why I stop and begin to run, and from there, I will work (in His strength alone) in getting to a place where this is no longer an issue.
I don't know about you, but I know that for myself, all I want is to be in His presence and out of that flows my ability to be in His will.
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Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 2/1/2012
Tonight as I was resting in my prayer chair, I took a moment to thank the Lord for His peace that had flooded me in that moment.
All day today, I've been thinking about family. I have my natural family that I am beyond thankful for even in the moments when I'm frustrated and stressed to the max, and want to be far from them. Then I have my spiritual family. Just as with my natural family, I have immediate and distant and such is true for my spiritual family. I have one family in particular that I bonded with more than any other. My heart aligned with their vision and my heart was set on that vision. Nothing (so I thought) would pull me away. The Lord had spoken. But then...
See, distractions come in many ways shape and forms. Before I knew it, I was irritated with the head of this family. I was to the point where I doubted him and his heart. And if there is one thing I know about submitting under leadership, it is this...if you cannot fully trust the leader, you shouldn't be following. It's like a person on a jet ski. The person is fully trusting that the driver of the boat is leading in the correct general direction. They have the ability to make minor "corrections" in the midst of it all but generally speaking they have to trust the driver. I believe the same is true with leadership. If you cannot trust them, why are you following or submitting under their vision? I had lost my trust...not only in the driver but also in God.
I pulled the classic "this is God's will for me to _______". Now I sit someplace where I simply wanted to be...questioning if this was the direction the Lord really had for me.
So, the question came to my mind...why...after all of this is there still a restlessness within my being?
God asked me a simple question..."At what point does the heartbeat of a parent no longer soothe their child?" As I thought about it, I decided that it was when the child no longer took the time to rest upon the parents chest and listen to it beat. Then it clicked...I had become too "grown up" for my FATHERS heartbeat. I missed it! All along, I wanted to please Him but had stopped taking the time to rest against His chest.
Their is nothing more that a father wants than for his children to be at peace. This is the same with our FATHER! The scripture in Isaiah 55 comes to mind where it says you will be led out in peace. Well, I know one thing...it's that if my head is not resting against my Father's chest, the chances of their being peace are next to none.
I need to take a minute and refocus. Have I been running from Him or have I been running to Him? Contrary to my opinion regarding this matter up until now, I'm beginning to think I've been running from Him. All along I've known I was supposed to be doing this certain thing...involved with certain people and I got big headed and hard hearted and began to run. It's time to return to my Father's chest...
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Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 12/27/2011
As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been in a season of really questioning the whole thing around my calling and the direction my life is headed. So I began reading a new book I got for Christmas (Lady In Waiting) and I only got through chapter 1 before God began dealing with me.
A.W. Tozer says this, "A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to 'accept' Christ without forsaking the world." See, I've questioned many times why is it that I feel such a "desire" to return to the things of this world. Why do I have such a difficult time staying focused and motivated for the Kingdom? I do all the "Christian things" and yet there are days where I simply question if I even love God.
In the first chapter they discuss the woman who broke the jar of expensive perfume over Jesus'. In the biblical days when our Lord walked on this earth, it was tradition that when a woman reached the age for marriage, the family would get an alabaster jar for her. That jar would be filled with "perfume" that would parallel her family's wealth. When a young man would ask to marry her, she would take the alabaster jar and break it at his feet which symbolized honor.
The question posed to me was this, "How do you know if you have broken your alabaster box at the feet of Jesus? Such a decision will be reflected in reckless abandonment to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. When the Lord gives a difficult assignment... you receive His terms without resentment." I have not accepted this task of committing to a year over seas without resentment. My heart has been torn and there have been many days I’m irritated with God.
Now, don't get me wrong...I would love to be able to honestly proclaim that I have broken my alabaster jar at the feet of Jesus, oh how I would truly love to proclaim that very thing! But I had to ask myself truthfully if I had broken the jar or if I had simply cracked it. Could it be that I let enough of it to leak that I got a whiff of the awesomeness of my Lord and Savior enough to cause a deeper desire within my being? Could it be that all my desires to serve Jesus has been a result of a mere crack? I believe the answer to that question is yes...it is a result of a crack.
I have had some incredible opportunities to hear the Lord speak to me. I've had some incredible opportunities to see people healed, and set free from bondages. I've had the incredible opportunity to speak into lives in all different settings with people from all different backgrounds yet...I still hesitate.
Now if that is the result of a mere crack…what will happen when the jar is shattered into a million little pieces? Could it be that the Lord will have the opportunity to make me exactly who I was created to be?
God has graciously brought me in to a season where I have the opportunity to take my alabaster jar and break it at His feet. He has brought me to a season in many different ways. He is giving me this opportunity and I am going to take advantage of it. I'm moving on from a superficial effort toward following Jesus to breaking all that I have at His feet…I am moving on from the old. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of whatever will no longer be allowed to hold me back. As I break this jar, the chains will break.
I'm stepping into this and I refuse to look back. Will you?
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Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 12/26/2011
The last week or so has been a real struggle for me.
I move home with my family to simply leave again in 7 months?
How do you find a new home church that fits?
Did I miss the mark?
HONESTLY...
It got to the point that I was pondering whether or not I really belonged on this trip or not. Had I just decided to go because it would be "nice" or did I hear God.
Then the Lord stopped me dead in my tracks.
I was faced with a choice. It wasn't anything new or unusual but for some reason or another, this time it knocked me upside the head. Not only would I have opened the door to step back into the pit that the Lord graciously pulled me out of but could have very well eliminated the opportunity for this trip. The Lord has continually spoken one message to my heart on a regular basis when I get into a place of struggle like this and I'd like to share it with you.
The first scripture is found in Genesis 28:10-22. In verses 10-15, we see that Jacob had a dream that was obviously from God. In this dream, a ladder reached from heaven to earth and there were angels ascending and descending. The Lord promised that He would give them the land where they were currently at and promised to keep them and to be with them. In verses 16-19, we see the recognition of the God given dream and the dedication that then took place. In verses 20-22, we see that Jacob made a vow that as long as God provided for him then he would serve God in the designated capacity and would give 10 percent.
Now bear with me and go to Luke 9:62. "But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."
Lot's wife became a pillar of salt when she looked back after being told not to. How dare I think that I am in any way an exception to this command to not look back?
Has God ever given you a dream, or revealed to you what your next step is and you throw out the words, "As long as You provide Lord, I will do this", and then stop and question? I know I have...I was just busted doing it again this week!
Then the final verse I'd like to leave you with and we hear it wth our head all the time is Revelation 12:11. "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death."
The challenge I receive every time I hesitate, doubt, or begin to back out of something God has called me to do is this. I know I've heard the Lord, and yet I do not want to be considered unfit for the Kingdom! I have overcome him by the blood and by the testimony but here's the thing I must remember...I cannot love my life more than I love the God of my life. It's in those moments that I begin loving my life more than God where I hesitate and catch myself on the edge of a major fumble when He always reminds me of these truths. I refuse to look back…do you?
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Posted in Pre-Race by Jessica Taylor on 12/11/2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwZaz5AVoNY
The link about is a song that perfectly describes this following blog. Please take a minute to listen to it either before or after you read. THANKS! :-)
So, in case you didn't know, I am one that see's a message in everything...literally. God opens my eyes to truth through very natural, basic things...such as a beautiful Minnesota snowfall.
I got off work around 8:30. It had been snowing all day and was a heavier snow than expected. The highway home was one that is frequently neglected...a two lane highway with lots of turns and twists...in the middle of the dark country...at night...with a strong possibility for deer. This was not something I was looking forward to.
I start the car and scrape the windows. I get in the car and as I'm leaving the parking lot, I quickly realize there will be no need to press on the gas or breaks the entire way to the stoplight which is .at least half a mile away as the road was literally a pure sheet of ice. As I was driving home, the Lord graciously taught me another lesson.
See, I wasn't going as fast as I normally do...obviously and in weather conditions like that, you can't set the cruise control. The roads were icky. They had not been plowed...they had no salt down...or sand for that matter. They were a snowy mess. I was going through the snow, unable to see the lines. The Lord began revealing to me the job of a pioneer.
See, pioneers clear the way for others so they can go farther than the pioneer ever did themselves. The road had been paved but had since been covered. All you knew was that you were to be on the right side of the road. Gratefully, there was a ditch so you could somewhat tell where on the road was. I felt like this was a great analogy of what my life has been like in relation to my calling. See, I feel like my heart is that of a revivalist. Many "well known" revivalists paved the way in the early 1900's however, since then, the road has been covered. As each car drives along the road, it becomes easier for for the following car because they can see the tire tracks and eventually they will be able to see the pavement from multiple vehicles driving over that spot. With each car that passes, they get through that portion of road quicker because they don't have to begin paving the way...they simply pick up where others left off. This is true with any mission in the Kingdom...or even in life in general.
Those of us who are natural born leaders know this feeling. We take steps into places where few, if any have gone before. We desire to learn from those above us in order to be able to go higher and beyond them, paving the way for those who will learn from us. This is no simple task. It takes patient endurance. You have to pay attention to where the road is. You can not set your life on cruise control...you must take it, every twist and turn, individually as they each come. Be patient, yet lead with confidence. Don't let your heart be troubled, trust in the One who is directing your path.
I encourage you to look at yourself. Take a minute to realize that you are a natural born leader...we all are. If you are driving a car, there is someone behind you, watching you..paying attention to you. They are observing your moves. If you slow down to take a turn, they have a good chance of doing the same because they saw you do it. Be aware of those watching and lead them in the path of the righteous.
See yourself...as a natural born leader.
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Posted in Pre-Race by Jessica Taylor on 12/5/2011
Reality...a word that I'm having issues with. Don't we all at times?
Let's define it. There a couple different ways I think we could describe reality. One of would be the matter of fact. What about saying it is the truth? The way things simply are? How about this...His word? After all...we say we believe His promises right?
This evening as I was pushing carts into the store, I was ready to walk away and never look back. I had let frustration settle within my soul and the presence of the Lord started to lift as I continued in my frustration. I just was at the point of breaking. I was so mad. Then I was stopped dead in my tracks...
Abba: "So...you need to check yourself."
Me: "Check for what Lord? I'm really not in the mood."
Abba: "You need a reality check."
Me: "Here's the reality...I've had about all of this stupid world as I can take. I'm just done. People are so ignorant and selfish and careless...and just straight up immature."
Abba: "Are you going to check or what?"
Me: "Okay, so I'm not really in the m.."
Abba: "I didn't ask if you were in the mood. I told you to check yourself. Now please, take a look at what you are doing. You have made the choice to dwell in the place of unsettledness and have let your heart leave My presence over a petty situation. Do you not realize what's happening? You are submitting...to the other team. You are handing your weapons to the adversary."
Me: "Geeze...I'll take a minute later..."
Abba: "No...take a minute now."
I finished the last row of carts and went to hang up my coat. As I did this, I tuned my ears to the Spirit. The Lord began to show me that the reality I was seeing was the reality of this natural world. I had temporarily allowed the weight of this world begin to weigh me down. I was living in a false sense of reality.
The Lord so graciously reminded me that the only reality I need to focus on is the reality of His Word. If His Word is not a reality in my life then that is something I need to take a look at. If His promises aren't swelling within my heart, then my heart has become contaminated and needs to be cleansed.
Truth be told, today has been a roller coaster. I brought something to the light last night and today, I've poured into other people, and I've attempted to be the very hands and feet of Jesus, which is typically when I get broadsided with warfare. Needless to say...I'm in a challenged state right now...so prayers would really be appreciated. However, I will say this...my focus has been sharpened and I again choose today to shed every weight that hinders me as I run into His presence to seek His face.
I choose to live in the reality of His promises believing that He is who He says He is and His Word is never returned void.
Life in the Kingdom is a life I want to experience. Life in the Kingdom is dream....and only He can make it happen...with my cooperation of course. :-)
What's reality are you living in?
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Posted in General Posts by Jessica Taylor on 12/1/2011
Seeing is believing. This is a common belief amongst the human race, yet, it is far from scriptural...well...sort of.
Today I was thinking about where will I be in 5 years, or in 10 years. Where do I see myself going...where do I see myself ending up and doing with the rest of my life? I cannot seem to get a firm grasp on the direction of my life right now. I mean...I'm moving home for 7 months, and then I am going into the rest of the world to fulfill my calling: to love...this is a double edge sword. I want to go, but I'm leaving everything and everyone...
As I began to ponder this whole thing about where I see myself, I quickly stopped and said, we don't walk by sight but by faith. Then I began to question...we speak and things happen. I am not to worry about tomorrow but God has placed dreams and visions in my heart. I am to declare those things to come to pass, I am to speak life over those dreams and to nurture them into being.
Thomas didn't believe until he saw...and Jesus replied that blessed are those who don't see and believe. I know this is referring to Jesus in this passage but take it and run with it. We know God has called us to certain things. Now, am I going to sit back and wait for them to happen before I believe it's true? Absolutely not...I'm going to move in that direction and see the face of my King....relentlessly. Until those things come to pass I'm going to see them and declare life and truth over them. Let's take a look at Romans 4:15-20. Take a minute to look up the passage. Romans comes after Acts in case you were looking... So, we see that Abraham...he believed in God...the one who gave life to the dead and called those things which did not exist as though they did...and later it was rewarded to him as righteousness. Check it! We believe in God who is calling our destiny into being! We may not see it...but we believe it...and walk it out.
We also see in Habbukuk to write the vision and make it plain. This isn't a suggestion...it is a demand upon the people in that time. I believe God expects the same for us...we write what we see and He calls it into being. As we become one with Him, we see His heart, it all flows...
So, here we have it. I will be in full time ministry. I will be healing the sick, declaring hope to the broken hearted, loving the unlovable, and bringing deliverance to the captives. I will have signs and wonders following me and I will bring Jesus to the world. Every tribe, nation and tongue will hear me proclaim that Jesus is Lord. I won't stop until I'm dead. I will not relent. There is a world without a Savior and King and I will bring Him to them. I will show them that He is there and that He is real. God has a calling on my life and all of our lives and we will move forward. Relentless...
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Posted in He Speaks by Jessica Taylor on 11/27/2011
Walls (or opinions, see the blog "Walls...Part 1" for understanding) of how or what things should be...a nice way to say idealism. As I wrote my last blog about walls, I was reminded of the time I had a chat with my dean while in Teen Challenge Ministry Institute. The Lord graciously showed me how idealism can be linked hand in hand with witchcraft thus leading to bondage.
When we set a predetermined "outcome" for a situation (idealism) or a certain expectation of what or how things should be, a door for witchcraft could be opened. See, when we begin to try to make that certain things or certain situation have a certain outcome, that is called manipulation. Typically, we do this unknowingly. We plan and plot certain things that we can do or say that will change the outcome of the situation. If not done with a rightly aligned spirit or for selfish gain, this is demonic, and could (will) create a foothold/bondage if not recognized and dealt with.
Let me back track for just a moment. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft right? We see this mentioned in 1 Samuel 15. If we are trying to change the course of a situation (that is not ours to change) then this can be looked at as rebellion. Thus, idealism leads to rebellion which is ideally (pun intended) witchcraft.
So, long story short...I hope this all makes sense. God has taught me this many times. And for whatever reason, I thought about it again as I wrote the "Walls...Part 1" blog. Please take it, and pray about it. I know for me...this has once again brought me to a season of recognition and repentance. I do not want anything to seperate me from the presence of my precious Abba. I want to stand before Him without spot or wrinkle.
Blessings. :-)
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Posted in He Speaks by Jessica Taylor on 11/26/2011
I sat with my head pressed against the table listening to worship music. Random lyrics dropped in my spirit and I began to sing, "let it burn". As I sang, I was listening to a message and the pastor began to speak of how we need to remember the upper room mentality. He spoke of how we build walls around us of how we think things should be and we build these walls putting God in a box. He went on to speak of the wise virgins and how that whole thing plays out.
As I sang let it burn, and this pastor spoke of these things, I was brought back to a moment, not even 6 hours earlier as I watched a house burn to the ground. After the fire was put out, I looked at this house. The walls were hanging, no longer attached so to speak to the roof. Everything was chared black. As the house was burning, all I could say was Jesus.
God always speaks to me in weird ways but I must say this was one of those times where I just couldn't believe how it was all playing out. Think about it. Houses...look at them from an ariel view. 4 outter walls that contain multiple inner walls dividing between certain spaces called rooms. In our lives, we compartmentalize our lives. Church in one box, work in another and yet family in another. In our church box, we believe certain things should go a certain way, same with all of our other little boxes. The problem is, if God is in one of these boxes, how does His presence, power and anointing infultrate throughout the other spaces? How do we expect God to move when we stick Him in the bedroom?
Maybe it's a far stretch but I will tell you this. God challenged me in this delecate moment. I do not want to be one of those begging others for oil because I didn't get mine when I knew I needed to. I don't want to place God in a box. I do not want to build walls of idealism around my life because that becomes a false standard. I want our God to infultrate through every room in my house...every area of my life.
My question is: Do you?
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